Is there a name for this thing around my neck?
This thing around my neck has always been there, lurking around the corner, waiting for something or someone to trigger those memories before it tightens. It appeared first four years ago, two days after he invited himself into my body as some form of tasteless retaliation for what our relationship was going through.
It hit me first between my legs, then in my back before it finally settled in my throat. It almost drove me insane that year — creeping up on me, taunting me, reminding me that no matter what he was free and I wasn’t.
It pushed me into creating multiple lines with blades around my throat, to stop it from tightening, to make the pain go away. I extended those lines to my arms and stomach, but none of them made the thing around my neck disappear.
The sleeping pills and painkillers stopped working too, it came right back, mocking me after the effect of these drugs wore off. I’ve learnt to live with this lump because ignoring it is not going to make it go away, at least not anytime soon.
It has become my best friend and confidant. I cry when it tightens, drown in the sea of headaches when it chokes and thank the heavens when it frees me. It grows bigger with every mention of his name or every story similar to mine and even with any voice that sounds like his.
I don’t know if it will ever get better but I’ll bask it in for now and hope it does not eventually consume me.