Many have no clue that oral rape exists. In the experiences shared below, we hope to enlighten you on oral rape and forms in which it occurs.
Oral Rape: Giving
The challenge in healing stems from a variety of issues. First, there is general embarrassment that comes from discussing oral sex. It is often the topic of many jokes, but it is not typically a conversation for “polite” company. This made discussing it very difficult and compounded the shame I felt.
Another issue is the misconception of how one can be forced to perform oral sex. While I was fortunate to have an incredible support system, they sometimes seemed to require an explanation as to how this could occur, which just exacerbated my shame. Although others may not be able to understand, it is of course possible to be forced to perform oral sex.
I needed to maintain the control that was taken during the oral rape and I found myself feeling very guarded about what I put in my mouth. In addition to the more obvious healing issues, there are also triggers that arise from eating certain foods that are phallic such as a bananas, ice cream or lollipops. At times, daily routines such as brushing my teeth can bring back memories or cause feelings of discomfort. Trips to the dentist also became a struggle.
Being able to connect with other survivors has been a great benefit. I no longer feel alone in my pain which is something that has helped the shame subside greatly. I now realize that there is no such thing as participation in rape. By definition, our choice was removed.
Part of my shame came from knowing that he had touched me in a very intimate way, while I also felt that by lying there, I had somehow been complicit in the act. It took me time to accept that even though I hadn’t struggled or fought through this part, I had not consented, nor had I even been given a chance to consent, which is what defines rape.
Talking about it was still incredibly difficult, though. Our genitals are private and we do not talk about them. It was hard enough to say that I had been raped, but I cringed at the idea of painting a too-vivid picture in my supporters’ minds by using the words “oral rape.” When I shared what happened to me on my website, I learned that other people had suffered through the same thing, which helped to eradicate some of the shame I felt. I still don’t usually share this detail when I am telling new friends and acquaintances about my rape, which is a matter of personal choice; I don’t share a lot of the details of what happened. I often share it with other survivors, though. I don’t want anyone to feel as alone as I did.
Healing sexually definitely presented a challenge. I sometimes still feel vulnerable when my husband gives me oral sex. We have had frank conversations about it. He knows never to wake me up this way and understands why. It has also helped me to use grounding techniques before and during oral sex. When we are kissing, I look at him and remind mys
elf that I am with a man who loves me, who would never hurt me and while he is doing it, I often touch his hair.
In my opinion, receiving oral sex is definitely a part of sex that I am happy I reclaimed! It might take work, but it can be done with the support of a loving partner and honest, open dialogue.